You ever have to pee so bad you just open up a car trunk and let loose?
How about pissing in a trashcan? Relieving yourself in the sink? Ever let the stream beam onto a lit barbeque? Ever wizzed into a bin of children’s toys? How about the middle of the floor during gym class?
At least, I have in my dreams.
Yes, it’s time to talk about the oddest of dreams – THE PEE DREAM.
Yes, The Pee Dream. You have to pee, very badly. You look around, only to find no toilet or any indication of one, so you pee in the closest thing your mind can associate with a urine recepticle.
You make it to the bathroom, but you stand there and drain the lizard so long that it’s an impossibility that there is any lizard left to drain. The toilet overflows! You continue in the bathtub.
Then you wake up.
AND HELLS BELLS YOU HAVE TO GO.
You run to the real bathroom, then go, and partway through you wonder if you are still dreaming because it never seems to stop. You wonder if you had bothered to put an empty gallon container in the bathroom you would be able to fill it up. Certainly, holding that quantity of urine must be bad for your health.
What if your prostate gets damaged by holding it like that?
Better bang my wife right now, just to make sure everything is working, you think, before stumbling back to bed.
Before you can put the moves on, it’s lights out.
Back to dreaming about waves of insane cannibals coming for you out of an infinitely dark mine, along with Ninja Turtles, only all their masks are the wrong colors.
The Pee Dream is one of those things where the physical body influences the dream – the demand to wake up pushes through the haze of dreams and asserts itself, only for the mind to respond with its own strage rationalizations – you don’t need to wake up; just pee in trunk!
It’s funny because I actaully had that dream the other night. I had go REALLY bad, but every stall in the dingy bathroom was taken up. In desperation, I opened up the trunk to a sedan that was parked in the bathroom and went number 1. Then I realized it was the engine compartment.
I was peeing on the engine! Then there was no bottom to it, so the urine was splashing all over my legs.
So anyway, maybe Danny Fiskar is real after all, and it’s not just a dream or hallucination.
You should also read this book about insane cannibals coming for you out of the infinite abyss of a space mine:
I think essay writing is your calling. I’ve never heard someone actually manage to make relating a dream funny.